Empty Arms

Today I went up to Caleb's room, and spent some time in there. Looked through, touched, and held things of his that I haven't in awhile.

Caleb's soothie buddy :) It still has the sugar water on it from when he was in the CICU. The hat he wore once he was born. In the ziploc bag, is the blanket they swaddled him in after he passed away. I'm holding onto his sweet smell as long as I can.

Perfect little feet :)

The drawing of Caleb's heart from the doctor right before his surgery. Still hard to believe that his poor heart was broken, when he looked so perfect.

Miss you my little chunk :)

Bits and Pieces

When I think about our 3 days with Caleb, bits and pieces of those hours swirl around in my mind. The greatest of highs, and the complete bottom of lows.

Our cardiologist sitting down beside us after Caleb's birth, and saying that his heart was the most complex one he's ever seen.

The caring nature of the nurse that helped deliver him. Her positivity helped us hold on.

Waddling around the hospital room the day after having Caleb, and making fun of my "diaper."

Calling and texting Kyle non stop to ask how our boy was doing, until I was discharged.

How pink Caleb was at birth, and him leaving for Cincinatti on room air and being so stable.

He was perfect.

Seeing Caleb for the first time in the CICU. So many machines. Feeling helpless.

Everyone saying "how cute the doblar baby is." :)

The baby next to Caleb's room having to get a new trachea.

Being in Caleb's room, and hearing a child on the floor crying out, and yelling stop. Brought me to tears.

Kyle calling in the morning, saying that Caleb's surgery was moved to that afternoon, at 3 days old instead of a week. Frantically running up and down the stairs, tears streaming down my face as I had to leave Kailey with a friend. Her clinging to me and crying.

Holding Caleb for the first time. Last time we saw him alive, he was fussy, and not wanting his soothie.

Getting to the floor of his pod after his Norwood, and not being let in.

Learning that he was gone. They didn't know why. No answers.

Walking into his room. Curtains drawn, no beeping machines, no words.

Part of his nose was already purple.

Tears soaking through everything. The writing on my id tag all smeared.

Pushing his cold hands and feet into the clay molds. Clipping his hair. His smell.

Funeral home. Picking out an urn. Seeing him for the last time. Touching his cheek. Cold, hard, and lifeless. Crying on my knees.

These are just some of the things that come to mind. I miss him so much.

Caleb's Angel

Love this! Received this angel from Kyle's grandparents, in Caleb's memory. Fly high my baby boy.

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel rest your wings

sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand,

And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,

I want this image clear....

That I will forget your precious face

Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,

Why you have gone away?

You weren't here for very long....

Why is it, you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,

"These things I do not know....

But I do know that you love me,

And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

I Love You So

My dear Caleb,

Here we are. 3 months has passed since you took your last breath. Where am I in my grief? The exact same as I was that night. Tears still flow freely, sadness envelopes me suddenly and with quite a force. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I can think of you and smile, other times, the very thought of you brings me to my knees in heartache. I go into your room, and look at all of the things that we still have for you. Your bedroom is spotless, with everything in it's place. Like it's waiting for us to bring you home any day. As tears fall down my cheeks, I can't help but almost grin. We had bought a few preemie things in the begining; we weren't sure what your weight would be with your heart defects. You rocked that, baby boy! Over 9 pounds, my perfect little chunk. :) You blew EVERYBODY away!

Your crib holds things that are dear to us. Your medical records, the stuffed animals that were with you in the CICU, all of your ultrasound pictures. Your closet is full of clothes, your pack n play set up in the corner. I'm not able to do anything with your room, your things, any of it. We are lucky enough to not need the space, and I want to keep it how it is.

I have your urn in our living room. It's where we spend most of our family time, and this way, you can be a part of it. We haven't gone as far as telling Kailey that it's you, I don't think at her age that she will understand. She does know all about you, and she talks about you. Although she never got to meet you, you are her brother, and she tells me that she misses you. She says that she wants to hold you and feed you.

I'll never forget holding you for the 1st and only time while you were alive. So many wires, my biggest worry was pulling on something by accident, and causing you pain. When you were placed in my arms, I felt such peace. You wrapped your finger around mine, and I am so grateful to have a picture of this as well. I wish I could have taken it all away, healed your little heart, kept you here. This helpless feeling is one that I've become to know too well. Sometimes it swallows me whole, and I find myself trying to get back up to the surface.

I don't know why you didn't make it past 3 days. I don't know why you had to go, why you left so soon. But I would do it a million times over. You are my son. I learned so much from you, and you left me with a greater understanding of the fragility of this life. You showed me the depth and strength of love, hope, and life.

I love you more than anything.

Love,

Mommy

Blink of an Eye Quote

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there." ~Author Unknown

Christmas without You

Our 1st Christmas since Caleb's death has come and gone. We went back home to MN, and spent a week there. How I wish he was still here. At my parents, we celebrated and remembered his sweet memory in a few ways. We decorated a tree in their backyard with clear lights, and it stayed lit. We also had his urn on the mantle, along with pictures of him and a candle. The candle burned all of Christmas Eve. Tears came and went, very randomly too. I didn't cry when we talked about him, or when I stared at the mantle. Instead the tears flowed unexpectedly, like when I opened a gift in his memory, and when I was packing up the suitcase to drive back home. The sadness hit me suddenly, and held quite a grip.

I'm still hoping and waiting for Caleb to visit me in a dream. I can't stand to lay in bed at night, wishing life was different. So I usually don't go to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. By that time, I forget to say a prayer. I think I need to start. :) It would be such a gift to hold him again, if only in my dreams.

I am so ready for 2011 to come. This past year has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. Kyle and I have walked through loss together, more than anyone should ever have to. The grief can get so overwhelming. Hoping that this next year brings us more joy, happiness, and blessings.