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Friday, November 26, 2010

Little Blue Shoes

My Grandma sent me this ornament to put on the tree for Caleb. It's just beautiful. I will keep this out all year. Miss you baby boy.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful for You

Dear Caleb,
It's Thanksgiving today. You went to Heaven 2 months ago. Its been 57 days since I held you in my arms for the first and final time. Your Daddy and I made a turkey- our first time. Your big sister Kailey watched the parade and loved it. We should be a family of 4. This thought has been in my mind all day.

I feel empty. Broken. Sad. Cold. Yet, I am still thankful. Thankful for you. Thankful for the 39 weeks that I carried you. For all the pictures we have. All your movements, kicks, and hiccups during pregnancy. Thankful for getting to meet you. For being shown such strength and love. You taught me so many things, but above all, you changed my world forever. I no longer fear death, because I know that you will be there to greet me with that oh so perfect face.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Don't Want To Hear It

I hear it all the time. "Ugh, I'm so sick... my ankles are swollen... I'm so huge... just want this kid out..." The minor complaints of pregnant women everywhere. What they don't realize is how LUCKY they are. They are having a healthy baby. I can't stand to hear any of it. I was so sick with Caleb in the beginning, that until I was put on medication, I couldn't get up off the bathroom floor. And you know what? I would do that EVERY day for 9 months if it meant that he was here with us, alive and well.

It never really ends though. People complain forever. Maybe the child threw a tantrum in the store, was up early or late, or doesn't listen. I think to myself, you are seriously mad because YOU didn't get to sleep IN? There are families everywhere, who spend many sleepless nights in a row, watching over their baby/child in the hospital, praying that they will be ok. Families that, without warning, are told that their child didn't make it. Their lives are shattered, and as the world still goes on around them, they are left to pick up the pieces. So many don't realize how lucky and blessed they really are. To have their children with them, to be able to watch them learn and grow. The next time you are about to comment on how rough your life is, take a moment to really appreciate all that you have. Speak to them kinder, hold them tighter, and kiss them more often, spend more time. For there are so many that would give ANYTHING to do just that.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Latest Genetic Testing Findings

As you all know, we are in the middle of Genetic Testing. We learned a month ago that a small piece of Caleb's Chromosome 15 was duplicated. So Kyle and I got bloodwork done, to see if either of us has the same thing. I got a call today, and was told that I carry the same duplication. I either got this duplication from one of my parents, or it is something new with me. They need me to come in again to have more bloodwork done. This way they can do a kareotype, and look more closely at my chromosomes. We will find out whether the Ch. 15 duplication is the only thing going on, or if anything else is also switched around, or in the wrong location.

Is this duplication linked to Caleb's heart defects? Not sure. Will they do an Echo on my heart? They might. Will we test Kailey to see if she also has the duplication? I will for sure, no doubt about that. I have read that in some cases, the extra chromosome is very small, and has no effect on a person's health. No concrete answers yet, but we are working our way slowly, to what we hope, is a reason for all the heartbreak we have been through.

Caleb's Handprint Keepsake Necklace

My keepsake necklace for Caleb is perfect. It means so much that his handprint is always with me. His birthstone is above the heart. His name and birthday are engraved on the back. I couldn't get a good picture of that. :)

2 Months Has Passed Us By

Today marks the day that Caleb would be 2 months old. Today is the afternoon that I picked up my keepsake necklace, with his actual handprint on it. Today has been full of sighs, tears, and hugs. I miss him. It consumes me whole. Caleb is always on my mind. We received a letter from Cincinnati Children's today, expressing their deepest sympathy. It said that the last thing we need to worry about is medical bills and insurance issues, and that they will do what they can to get it taken care of, and will contact us if needed. We are still waiting to hear that his Medical Records are ready, and for the autoposy results. Mommy loves you sweet boy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Caleb's Birth Announcements

Caleb's birth announcements arrived today!!! I am so happy with them, they turned out great! It's bittersweet to look at them. He was so beautiful, and I'm so proud of him and the strength that he had. Yet sad and missing him more than anything in the world. I miss those cheeks and cute little snorts. I truly believe that he is watching over us now, and knows how much we love him.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Big Sister, Please

Yesterday, Kailey kept asking to be a big sister... it broke my heart. She was taking a bath, and out of nowhere, started to say, "Big sister, please, please, please?" This morning, she went into Caleb's room and grabbed one of his diapers. She asked me if I was going to put it on him. WHAT do you say to that? :( I took a deep breath and sat down beside her. "I would love to, honey, but little brother is up in Heaven now." She just kind of looked at me, and then said, " Hospital Heaven?" I fought back tears, and just gave her a big hug. Explaining again, the best way I knew how, for why he is gone.

We love you baby boy. You're always on my mind. Love, Mommy.