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Sunday, March 27, 2011

6 Long Months in Heaven

6 months in Heaven. 184 days without our baby boy. 4,416 hours have passed without seeing his face, holding him for the first and only time, and being at the hospital. Caleb is a part of our life, everyday. We talk about him, spend time in his room, and look at his pictures. How has it been half of a YEAR??? It feels like just yesterday. The pain is just as searing, the memories as vivid. I can't believe he's really gone, and I'll never see him again. Without warning, our world was turned upside down, flipped around, and shattered. I'm still trying to get it to sort of fit again. We released 3 balloons this afternoon. One for each day of his life. I got Kailey a pink balloon as well, because she remembered that we got her one to release from the funeral home 6 months back. Well, we got home and as she was playing with it, it popped. :( I almost started crying seeing her so upset. We went upstairs to Caleb's rocking chair, and I got her to smile by telling her that she could draw on each of his balloons, and let them all go.
All ready to be brought outside

Kailey's drawings on the balloons

Ready to let them go!!!

She's excited to send them to brother!

First balloon into the sky

Giving Kailey the last balloon

Up, up and away to Caleb!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Bittersweet Blessing

Well everyone, I have some BIG news to share!!! I have been waiting to say anything, and it's been a whirlwind of feelings. I am so completely anxious, worried, nervous, excited... pretty much any emotion you can think of. Yes, I am expecting. :) We found out three months after Caleb's death, and it's bittersweet for me. Dealing with his death and the constant heartache is so hard, and I will always be grieving for my sweet son.
I am 15 weeks along. My ob has been great, and I have had 4 ultrasounds by 12 weeks. And I was able to stop in yesterday, after a talk with my nurse, to get reassurance that the heartbeat is still there. She used the doppler so I could get some peace of mind. It's impossible not to constantly worry.

We have kept it pretty quiet, not many know. The 12 wk nuchal scan and bloodwork came back normal, and the heartrate was at 168 at that ultrasound. I have been feeling great these past few weeks, and staying positive the best I can. I have realized that I want and also need support, love, and prayers from those around me. Next week, Friday April 1st, is my next ultrasound. I will be 16 weeks, and it will be the first look at the heart. We will be able to know that there are 4 chambers, and if everything looks ok. Please pray for: a healthy heart, growth to be on track, and strength.

I am praying that this is our rainbow baby. I know that Caleb is watching over us, and already knows what's in store. I just need to try and sit back, take a deep breath, and take it one day at a time.

~A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.~

Thursday, March 17, 2011

For This Child I Prayed

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my D & C with Noah, our 2nd pregnancy. It was a missed miscarriage. At my 12 week appt, we had learned that things were looking grim for our little one. The NT fluid was high and there was a cystic hygroma. We were told it was probably a trisomy. Two weeks later, at 14 weeks along, we had a morning ultrasound at the specialist, hoping for more answers. Those never came. There was no heartbeat, and measurements concluded that he had passed away soon after that 12 week appt. What shock. I ended up having a 2nd D & C five days after the first, because there was still some tissue inside me.

I'll never forget it. As they prepped me by putting in the iv, talking with us, and signing paperwork, the tears just rolled. They kept telling me that with this type of procedure, the baby would most likely be in many pieces, and unrecognizable. I said I wanted to see it anyway. I had to say goodbye to my husband and parents, walk into that OR room, and lay down on the table. Soon after, the medications took effect, and I was totally out of it.

Waking up afterwards, Kyle brought him to me in a small dish. It was incredible. There was Noah. In one piece, and about the size of my palm. We have a few pictures put away.

Weeks later, I got a call my OB. The testing results were back in. They revealed normal chromosomes. It was confusing, to not have a concrete "why" for this to happen. But it also gave us peace of mind, and the ability to finally know what the gender had been. That's when we named him Noah, meaning peaceful. It just fit for us. Now he was in complete peace.

The cross in my picture is the one that I purchased with my Mom once we learned of his passing. It is on our kitchen wall. It could not have been more perfect- "For this child I prayed." And oh, how we did.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sporadic Grief

Well, March is already here. I have kept busy the past few weeks, working on Caleb's baskets. I've had some trials and errors, such as accidentally buying cellophane instead of shrink wrap, to finish off each basket. LOL. But I feel so good about doing this, and it is the first time that I have ever done something all on my own. With the love and generosity of donations, I will be able to continue with this project. March might end up being a long and bittersweet month for us. There is a lot going on, including the 2 year anniversary of my D & C with Noah, and seeing him for the first and last time. Then Caleb's 6 month angelversary is coming up on the 27th. There will be candles lit, balloons released, and I might watch his memorial dvd again.

As time goes by, my grief is pretty sporadic. I can talk about him without bursting into tears, and even smile. Last night, a commercial came on the tv. It was one for the funeral home that helped us so much with Caleb. And it also had our lady, Amy, on it as well. We call her "our lady" just because she helped us so much through each step. Kyle and I both pointed and said, "That's our lady!" It made me so sad all of a sudden. I don't know if it was because of seeing her again, or seeing the funeral home.

Last spring, while pregnant with Caleb, I planted flowers for the first time. They turned out great! Some of them were lilies, red and orange, which will come back this year as well. There is a middle section above our driveway that I planted various flowers in as well. I plan to have that be Caleb's spot, with flowers, stepping stone, angel, etc.

My heart will always be heavy and broken for Caleb. Almost like it's not complete, and there's all these little pieces that are needed to put it back together. And over the last 5 months, I have found most of the pieces, yet he has one with him. And without that, I am not whole.