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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Empty Arms

Today I went up to Caleb's room, and spent some time in there. Looked through, touched, and held things of his that I haven't in awhile.

Caleb's soothie buddy :) It still has the sugar water on it from when he was in the CICU. The hat he wore once he was born. In the ziploc bag, is the blanket they swaddled him in after he passed away. I'm holding onto his sweet smell as long as I can.

Perfect little feet :)

The drawing of Caleb's heart from the doctor right before his surgery. Still hard to believe that his poor heart was broken, when he looked so perfect.

Miss you my little chunk :)


  1. Lauren, my goodness...I don't have words right now. This post took my breath away because I did the same thing today, I opened Aaron's ziplock bag of clothes he wore before he was cremated...to smell him again. And, held his hospital bracelet, looked through his things...sat down in the nursery and took it all in. I understand it all too well. It brought tears to my eyes to read your post. It's nice to know we're not alone in this when it can feel like such a lonely, isolated place to be. Thinking of you and sweet Caleb tonight. Love and prayers to you...

  2. Lauren,
    I appreciate your comment on my blog, and I am truly so very sorry that you are going through this nightmare. Caleb was so beautiful. Those chubby cheeks...how I'd love to just kiss on them!! As hard as this journey is, just know (whether you believe it now or not) that you will survive this. It will not be easy, and your heart will always hurt, but with time, it becomes more manageable. As a fellow heart mommy, please know that I am here for you. If you ever want to contact me, please do! Also, just in case you haven't read the beginning of my blog, I posted a ton of journal entries that I kept from the very beginning of my loss. I hope that my brutally honest feelings will help you to feel "normal" on those days when you feel like you're going crazy. May God give you peace and comfort and hope for your future! I used to meditate on this verse when I felt that my future was doom and gloom..."For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil; to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11). Take care and thank you for contacting me through my blog.

    Ashlee Tomes

  3. Reading these post are so touching, I'm sorry for what you have had to go through, Caleb was and still is such a handsome baby boy. I wish I could take this pain away for you, but I hope you find peace in knowing God had greater things planned for Caleb up in heaven. :) I'm here for you, always praying for you.

    <3 carlen

  4. There aren't words, are there? Just emptiness and a void that will never be completely filled...at least not this side of Heaven. My heart breaks with you...and I am here for you. I saw that you found Ashlee's blog too. She is a precious friend and encourager as we walk this journey together towards Eternity...learning slowly how to find a new normal and live again.
    I just read "Heaven is for Real" by Tim Burpo...the best read, by far, that I've read since Annabelle passed. It has really helped me recently as we approach her 3rd birthday at the end of the month. I think you'd enjoy it...and it will renew Heaven even more...and spur us on towards it...rejoicing at what our babies are seeing right now!