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Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas without You

Our 1st Christmas since Caleb's death has come and gone. We went back home to MN, and spent a week there. How I wish he was still here. At my parents, we celebrated and remembered his sweet memory in a few ways. We decorated a tree in their backyard with clear lights, and it stayed lit. We also had his urn on the mantle, along with pictures of him and a candle. The candle burned all of Christmas Eve. Tears came and went, very randomly too. I didn't cry when we talked about him, or when I stared at the mantle. Instead the tears flowed unexpectedly, like when I opened a gift in his memory, and when I was packing up the suitcase to drive back home. The sadness hit me suddenly, and held quite a grip.
I'm still hoping and waiting for Caleb to visit me in a dream. I can't stand to lay in bed at night, wishing life was different. So I usually don't go to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. By that time, I forget to say a prayer. I think I need to start. :) It would be such a gift to hold him again, if only in my dreams.
I am so ready for 2011 to come. This past year has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. Kyle and I have walked through loss together, more than anyone should ever have to. The grief can get so overwhelming. Hoping that this next year brings us more joy, happiness, and blessings.


  1. Lauren,
    Just know that Caleb is with God and he is perfect. Remember him in everything and never forget that God sent him to you (even for a brief moment) to make you realize that you are a special person and your family is a sepcial family. Let God's comfort spread in you and Caleb will never be forgotten but celebrated. I will be praying for you and your family.

  2. You are so strong! I am praying for a blessed 2011 for you and your family. Much love!

  3. Hello Lauren. Rebekah gave me the link to your blog. Caleb is beautiful! I too lost a heart baby, Alex, in 2006 and sadly am familiar with the road your family is walking right now.

    My family has a charitable organization where we give Teddy bears with "heart stitches" to kids in the hospital with CHD. I would like to name some of our bears after Caleb with your permission.

    Please don't hesitate to email me at mom2angelalex@me.com