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Friday, January 7, 2011

Bits and Pieces

When I think about our 3 days with Caleb, bits and pieces of those hours swirl around in my mind. The greatest of highs, and the complete bottom of lows.

Our cardiologist sitting down beside us after Caleb's birth, and saying that his heart was the most complex one he's ever seen.

The caring nature of the nurse that helped deliver him. Her positivity helped us hold on.

Waddling around the hospital room the day after having Caleb, and making fun of my "diaper."

Calling and texting Kyle non stop to ask how our boy was doing, until I was discharged.

How pink Caleb was at birth, and him leaving for Cincinatti on room air and being so stable.
He was perfect.

Seeing Caleb for the first time in the CICU. So many machines. Feeling helpless.

Everyone saying "how cute the doblar baby is." :)

The baby next to Caleb's room having to get a new trachea.

Being in Caleb's room, and hearing a child on the floor crying out, and yelling stop. Brought me to tears.

Kyle calling in the morning, saying that Caleb's surgery was moved to that afternoon, at 3 days old instead of a week. Frantically running up and down the stairs, tears streaming down my face as I had to leave Kailey with a friend. Her clinging to me and crying.

Holding Caleb for the first time. Last time we saw him alive, he was fussy, and not wanting his soothie.

Getting to the floor of his pod after his Norwood, and not being let in.

Learning that he was gone. They didn't know why. No answers.

Walking into his room. Curtains drawn, no beeping machines, no words.

Part of his nose was already purple.

Tears soaking through everything. The writing on my id tag all smeared.

Pushing his cold hands and feet into the clay molds. Clipping his hair. His smell.

Funeral home. Picking out an urn. Seeing him for the last time. Touching his cheek. Cold, hard, and lifeless. Crying on my knees.

These are just some of the things that come to mind. I miss him so much.


  1. So many of these things resonate deep within my heart. What beautiful words Lauren, but I wish these were memories you didn't have to experience. It's not fair. Love and prayers to you, my friend.

  2. I can relate to so many of these things....brings back some awful awful memories.