Today was my 30 week ultrasound. It went great! :) Fluids look good, heartrate was at 143 bpm, and got to see that 4 chamber heart again! He has chubby cheeks just like Caleb did, and hair. And OH MY! What a chunk. He's at about 4 pounds 7 ounces already!!! Melissa, my ultrasound tech, was joking, and saying that I grow my boys big. We sure do! ;) Making me a little nervous here lol. I go back to my dr in 2 weeks, and have another ultrasound in 4. We are looking at the morning of September 6th for induction. SO close!!! Here are a few pictures until next appt.
8 months ago today, was one of the greatest days of my life. Our sweet boy with such a sick heart, was born into the world. I remember not getting too nervous, until we reached the hospital for induction. My mom and sister Lindsay arrived that day. We went out to eat, went to the grocery store, and took final pictures of us as a family of three. The hell of it is, we still are a family of three, soon to be four this fall. But noone can see that third part of us, so they don't think it exists. But it does. Caleb is a part of our family. The love I have for Caleb is so great, and I'm reminded of him all the time.
It's so strange how grief works. I haven't been this sad since his death was new and raw. But last night and today, my heart just hurts. I find myself faking smiles for Kailey, and pulling myself out of this fog. She truly keeps me going. And when I feel this little one moving inside me, I am shown again that I am healing, and with every passing day, we get closer to his arrival. This little one will know his brother too.
I planted flowers for Caleb, red and white petunias. Still on the lookout for an angel figurine. There is a stepping stone, that says Love with all your heart, and another saying Bless this Garden.
It feels like it's been 20 years since Caleb's birth, yet like it was just yesterday. After we learned that something was wrong with his heart, months were spent trying to prepare. And within 3 days, it was all over. Sending all my hugs and kisses up to Heaven, Caleb. For you, and all the other heart babies gone too soon.
Today was another OB appt. and ultrasound. I'm 23w6d. It went great! Kailey was excited to color in the waiting room, and get more ultrasound pics of her brother. Baby is at 1 pound 7 ounces. Heartrate was 161 bpm. I gained another two pounds, and silly little mover was butt down today lol. It was nice to see my dr. He's so funny, and it's good to get positive feedback on how things are going. I told him about how Kailey wants to name him Tarzan. :) I got the ok from him to drive back home to MN in mid June. I go back June 13th to do my Glucose test, and then July 8th is my next ultrasound. Here's a few pictures from today!
Last night was rough. Unexpectedly, lots of tears. Before Kailey's bedtime, she crawled up into my bed with Caleb's photo album. We looked at them together, and talked about how this baby to be has a heart that's ok. I did fine with this. Later on, however, after she was fast asleep in her room, I just lost it. I looked through his pictures again, and all the emotions hit me full force. Not just a few tears, but noisy, shaking, all out bawling. I want more pictures. More memories. More time. I want Kailey to know her brother that is gone from us.
I know that as I continue to mourn, it will hit me with no warning. It's been that way for awhile. I miss you my little chunky boocious. :)
Just wanted to write a quick post, about something my 3 1/2 year old daughter said today. She is so anxious for this baby, we all are. It seems surreal that we will be welcoming a healthy baby into our family this fall. Just in time for Caleb's 1 year angelversary! Well, Kailey was giving my tummy the usual hugs and kisses this afternoon. Then she asked if brother was coming in the fall, I said "Yes, before your birthday!" Then she replied, " Can I keep him?" My eyes filled with tears. At such a young age, she has already had to see that bad things happen. She has a brother in Heaven that she never got to meet, never got to hold and kiss.I just looked at her and gave her a hug. "Yes, sweetie. You can keep him."
Today was actually a good day. Caleb was on my mind a lot, wishing that he was here with us. But Kailey and Kyle really made it special, and reminded me how blessed I really am. And feeling this little one moving around has helped as the days pass by. These flowers are beautiful, and Kailey was so good at keeping them a secret! :) She painted me a picture today, we went on a long walk, and put the last coat of paint on the rocking chair for the baby's room. I do wonder... would we be post glenn? What would things with Caleb be like? Would he be 7 and 1/2 months, or would we have lost him along the way? I don't know. My heart still aches for him, and I have yet to see him in a dream. Is it because I don't ask for this nightly? Because sometimes I fall asleep before saying prayers? I thought I would be visited by now, in a dream, just to see his face again, feel close once more.
Today was a quick appt with my dr. Weight check, urine sample, and discussion over things so far. It went awesome! I have gained 9 pounds in the last month. LOL. :) Yay! And my Dr. is so excited about the healthy echo results. He said he's proud of how I'm doing and handling things. It was good to talk about Caleb a bit too, and to know that he's not forgotten. Next ultrasound is May 23rd, along with the glucose test.
Caleb's Comfort Project: Comforting those that have lost their child to HLHS
Click here to donate to Caleb's Comfort Project
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
*"Things come close to us and we can almost hold onto them, but then they disappear. Things seem as if they are just about to make sense, then suddenly there is immense confusion and what was about to make sense seems quite remote, a million miles away."*
A life so brief, a child so small. You had the power to touch us all.
I am the face of missed miscarriages and infant loss
What is a congenital heart defect? A congenital heart defect is an abnormality in any part of the heart that is present at birth. Heart defects originate in the early weeks of pregnancy when the heart is forming. About 35,000 infants (1 out of every 125) are born with heart defects each year in the United States (1). The defect may be so slight that the baby appears healthy for many years after birth, or so severe that his life is in immediate danger.
Heart defects are among the most common birth defects and are the leading cause of birth defect-related deaths (2). However, advances in diagnosis and surgical treatment have led to dramatic increases in survival for children with serious heart defects. In the United States, about 1.4 million children and adults live with congenital heart defects today (3). Almost all are able to lead active, productive lives (1).
The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD.
Did You Know? Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined.
Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome(HLHS) is a condition in which the left side of the heart is underdeveloped. Usually, the left ventricle, the left atrium, the mitral valve and the aorta are affected. It is called a syndrome because it can encompass several different variations and varying degrees of development of these parts of the heart.
Babies with HLHS do not have problems while in the womb - it is only after birth that the heart fails to work properly. This is because all babies receive oxygen from the placenta while in the womb, so blood does not need to go to the lungs. In addition, there is an opening between the pulmonary artery and the aorta, called the patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) that is present in all babies. It allows the blood to go from the right ventricle out to the body, bypassing the left side of the heart.
Ventricular Septal Defects (VSD) It is a hole in the wall separating the two lower chambers of the heart.
Coarctation of the Aorta (COA)It is a narrowing of the major artery (the aorta) that carries blood to the body. Coarctation of the aorta occurs in about 6 to 8 percent of all children with congenital heart disease. Boys have the defect twice as often as girls do.
Large Patent Ductus Arteriosus Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) is a condition in which a blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus fails to close normally in an infant soon after birth. (The word "patent" means open.) The condition leads to abnormal blood flow between the aorta and pulmonary artery, two major blood vessels surrounding the heart.
ASD-PFO A patent foramen ovale (PFO) is a defect in the septum (wall) between the two upper (atrial) chambers of the heart. Specifically, the defect is an incomplete closure of the atrial septum that results in the creation of a flap or a valve-like opening in the atrial septal wall.
Arrhythmia An arrhythmia is an abnormal heart rhythm. There are many different types of arrhythmias that range from harmless to life threatening. An arrhythmia can be regular, meaning it occurs at evenly spaced intervals, or irregular, meaning it has no pattern.
Second Degree- Heart Block
only some electrical impulses reach the ventricles. The heart may beat slowly, irregularly, or both.
On an EKG, the pattern of QRS waves doesn't follow each P wave as it normally would.
All About Caleb Thomas
*Your feet were ticklish :) *You didn't like when the nurses changed your diaper. *You always had your head layed to the right side. *You made the cutest little snorting noises. *You loved your froggie soothie buddy.
*You always tried to pull out your oxygen- and succeeded numerous times. :)
*You had the softest skin.
*Your smell is still with me- I remember it exactly. *You had the most adorable hair... with a reddish tint. *While in the hospital, you shared a few toots with me... I won't tell :) *You were the strongest person I have ever met. You are my hero.
I am a happily married Air Force wife and mother of 3 year old daughter Kailey. We recently had our baby boy Caleb on September 27th, 2010. 3 precious days is all that we were given with him. He had multiple severe and complex congenital heart defects. We miss him so much, and will love him always.