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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dwelling on that Night

For some reason, I've been really dwelling on Caleb's medical records. Thinking about what I have read about his autopsy, and wishing I could have somehow fixed him. It talks about what was seen, and says that post op bleeding likely contributed to his death. It hits me hard every time I think about it. There was no preventing it, helping it, or stopping it. He made it through the surgery fantastic, and just like that, he was gone. I read the part about his procedure also. It says things like, he was then weaned from cardiopulmonary bypass without difficulty (After taking him off the heart bypass machine). It also says, he had significant coagulopathy, and a number of sutures were needed to control the small needle hole bleeding. :( But he was brought back up stable.

It's just another part of processing it for me, I guess. When we left the hospital the night of his death, all we took home with us was emptiness, sorries, and no answers. It's not like you get to go back and talk to the surgeons about your baby that didn't make it, and what their thoughts are on why it happened. Caleb's medical records are all I have on giving us answers about his last hours. We took our time on coming back up to his unit after surgery...if we hadn't, we would have seen Caleb go into cardiac arrest. We would have seen them helplessly work on him for 35 minutes, only to not be able to bring him back, and have no reason for his passing.

I'll always remember the smile on the surgeons face when he came in after the surgery...the lady at the desk outside our private room, praying for us...the 1st chaplain we talked with when his surgery started...everything. My heart just aches, and it can never be fixed. Miss you Caleb.