River of Tears

This morning was my check up with my OB. I will be going back in February for a pap. It was so emotional, and more tears came than I had thought. It was so hard. To be sitting in one of the rooms, when just over 10 weeks ago, I was in there to discuss my induction, with lots of hopes and excitement. Now it was to talk about our little angel. My favorite nurse, Becki, was able to be there this morning. :) That meant a lot. The whole pregnancy with Caleb, she was always smiling and so optimistic. Such a wonderful and caring person. We spent some time talking, crying, and hugging. I gave her Caleb's announcement.

It was tough to see Dr. Banias. I cried as soon as he walked in. He said many things that were so heartfelt and caring. He told me that right after Caleb's surgery, he got a call from the surgeon, and that he could hear the smile in his voice. Caleb did so awesome in surgery, and he fought his hardest. My dr said that Caleb's life had a purpose, and that it's meaningful. It meant a lot for him to say that he can't take the pain away, but that I can call anytime. We talked about Caleb's death, because at the time of his passing, nobody knew why he had died.

I know that Caleb is always with me. Sometimes I can smell him. It's almost like he is right there again, in front of me, waiting for me to lean down and kiss his soft cheek. To rub his forehead and whisper that I love him. My heart aches so much sweet boy, and if I could have given you my heart to have, I would have done it in an instant. You will always be my son.