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Thursday, October 28, 2010

My Grip on Grief

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I can be fine, and the next I am bawling into the pillow. I'm aware of some of the emotional triggers that bring me to unexpected tears. The smell of Dreft. It brings me back to washing some of his blankies before my induction, preparing for our little boy. Certain songs. Music has always affected me, and there are some songs that just bring forth all my sadness. Hearing a newborn's cries. That just explains itself. I pretty much just numb myself when going out in public. It's nearly impossible to avoid seeing a baby, or the newborn section, or a pregnant woman. That way, I won't get affected as much.

I've always used writing as a way to pour out what I'm feeling. But with Caleb, it's been hard for me to get some poems started. Working on it... just been hard. I have felt anger and sadness before, but nothing at all that can even compare to this. Ever since our first miscarriage, my whole outlook on life changed. Things that used to seem important, don't matter at all. A part of me will always be grieving for Caleb, until I am with him again.

1 comment:

  1. There is always going to be something that reminds you of Caleb, which is good. He made a huge impact here on Earth and deserves to be remembered. I know I will never forget him. I think you run into the problem that everyone has in this situation....what to say. What can you possibly say/write that would give justice to what you are feeling? What are you are feeling defies words...I can say that I can imagine what you are going through the reality that you live in is much more than I could ever imagine.

    Hang in there hun. Peace will come. You are blessed.