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Saturday, October 30, 2010

What Could Have Been

So many things come to mind when I think of what Caleb would have been like growing up. Would he be impatient like me? :) Like sports, trains, cars? How long would the reddish tint to his hair stick around? What baby foods would he have loved? Would he have loved his soothie as much as his sister did? Tv shows? What would have been his first word? Realizing that I'll never know any of this, and it's all speculation, really hurts. Makes my chest tight, my eyes water, and my head hurt.

Caleb Thomas. He was perfect. I always had a somewhat peaceful feeling, even as he was wheeled into that 1st surgery. I don't know why, or what that meant, because he's not here with us. It's still hard for me. Babies are not supposed to die, just not the order things are meant to go. I still have anger, I admit that. Looking at all the criminals, addicts, all those that live so long, and don't even deserve one more breath. All the people that hurt their children, and do not deserve them at all. I have anger.

In those 3 days that we had with him, we were already used to how our life changed. The beeping of the machines, all the wires, driving the hour to and from the hospital, we were ready and more than willing to do whatever we needed to do. I would give anything to be able to give him one more kiss, one more touch, one more I Love You.

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