TuneList - Make your site Live

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Looking Back at my Pregnancy with Caleb

It truly is amazing. Growing another life inside of you, hearing that heartbeat for the first time, seeing them on the ultrasound screen. My pregnancy with Caleb began with full blown morning sickness. It got so bad that I would just lay on the bathroom floor and cry. I was put on Zofran, and it was great! :) Back to some kind of normalcy, I could keep liquids and food down. Besides that, it was great. I ate all the time, could sleep, and didn't even feel as big as I
was. LOL. Physically, it was good. Emotionally, it was hard. From the first moment of seeing that second pink line, until... well, the worry never left my mind. Caleb was our 4th pregnancy. The fear of losing yet another baby was pretty strong. ( We had Kailey no problem. Then, we lost Noah at 12.5 weeks. Didn't find out he had no heartbeat until 14 weeks. He had heart defects. Next pregnancy after him, we lost the baby at 6 weeks. Both were missed miscarriages. All in all, 3 D and C surgeries.)
We learned about Caleb's heart at the 20 week ultrasound. We also found out it was a boy!!! :) The day began with high hopes for great news on his development, and quickly spiraled into panic for me. I just couldn't believe it. His diagnosis changed at least three times, from initially TOF, then to TGA, then to possible HLHS, along with other issues. Those hour long cardiologist appointments were pretty nervewracking. I just wanted him fixed. Looking back, the ultrasound techs and nurses at my appts were great. I began coming in weekly, and we would joke about his weight and those chubby cheeks on the screen. Lots of hugs and encouragement, and telling me I was doing great, doing everything I could to grow him big and strong. "Everything looks great, besides his heart." I heard that too often. How do you reply to that, much less give them a smile? You just nod your head silently, thinking you must be in a dream.
Coming up on November 9th is my 6 week dr. appointment. And yeah... I DON'T want to go. Not one bit. Don't want to walk into the building, where the last time I was there, Caleb was thriving inside me, and we eagerly discussed my induction date. Don't want to sit in the waiting room, watching others with their babies, or swollen bellies. Don't want to see the nurses, or look at my dr's sad expression. There will be tears, it's probably unavoidable. Just going to be a long day.


  1. Lauren, you did such an amazing job growing Caleb! He was definitely a little chubbmister! I remember looking at that ultrasound picture and all I saw was cheek...such an handsome little man.

  2. I refuse to go to my 6 week appt. My husband is begging me to go, and I won't. Joshua would be 10 weeks old this week and i REFUSE to go.

    I give you credit. You are much stronger than I am!

  3. Lauren I used to work at a OBGYN clinic and anyone who lost their baby ect...we would always bring them back ASAP so they wouldnt have to wait in the waiting room. Maybe you could ask the person at the front desk or call ahead and let them know you DO not want to wait in the waiting room. I pray for you daily

  4. I agree with the post above....call ahead and see if there is a way you wouldnt' have to wait. I am sure they would completely understand. You are a brave and strong woman. I know you can do this. One more hurdle and you handle them with grace. I'm here....know that.

  5. I get it, even with Zoe still with us. I sat in my OBGYNs office on Monday morning, with all of the happy pregnant women. Anger and bitterness overtook me. You are wonderful and amazing.