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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sporadic Grief

Well, March is already here. I have kept busy the past few weeks, working on Caleb's baskets. I've had some trials and errors, such as accidentally buying cellophane instead of shrink wrap, to finish off each basket. LOL. But I feel so good about doing this, and it is the first time that I have ever done something all on my own. With the love and generosity of donations, I will be able to continue with this project. March might end up being a long and bittersweet month for us. There is a lot going on, including the 2 year anniversary of my D & C with Noah, and seeing him for the first and last time. Then Caleb's 6 month angelversary is coming up on the 27th. There will be candles lit, balloons released, and I might watch his memorial dvd again.

As time goes by, my grief is pretty sporadic. I can talk about him without bursting into tears, and even smile. Last night, a commercial came on the tv. It was one for the funeral home that helped us so much with Caleb. And it also had our lady, Amy, on it as well. We call her "our lady" just because she helped us so much through each step. Kyle and I both pointed and said, "That's our lady!" It made me so sad all of a sudden. I don't know if it was because of seeing her again, or seeing the funeral home.

Last spring, while pregnant with Caleb, I planted flowers for the first time. They turned out great! Some of them were lilies, red and orange, which will come back this year as well. There is a middle section above our driveway that I planted various flowers in as well. I plan to have that be Caleb's spot, with flowers, stepping stone, angel, etc.

My heart will always be heavy and broken for Caleb. Almost like it's not complete, and there's all these little pieces that are needed to put it back together. And over the last 5 months, I have found most of the pieces, yet he has one with him. And without that, I am not whole.


  1. I really like your last statement. I think that really describes everything perfectly. I love your baskets. Caleb is reaching out through you and it is amazing!

  2. I just LOVE this Lauren. You truly are going to help so many women and families. I know with my own miscarriage you had such a huge impact on me. You and the family are in my prayers/thoughts daily!

  3. Thanks for sharing this -- love all that you are doing for yourself, Caleb, and really ... so many more !!

  4. I love you, Lauren!!! You are such an inspiration to us all. I totally agree, with Bekah, your last statement said it all.

  5. Lauren, your project seems to be helping you grieve. I can't imagine but I dont think that type of grief will ever pass completely. I saw your comment on my post about things for granted and as I said, there could be tougher things we go through, the loss of a child being the number one fear. You are brave and in your grief still helping others. That is wonderful and I'm sure Caleb is smiling down on you and giving you strength.