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Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas without You


Our 1st Christmas since Caleb's death has come and gone. We went back home to MN, and spent a week there. How I wish he was still here. At my parents, we celebrated and remembered his sweet memory in a few ways. We decorated a tree in their backyard with clear lights, and it stayed lit. We also had his urn on the mantle, along with pictures of him and a candle. The candle burned all of Christmas Eve. Tears came and went, very randomly too. I didn't cry when we talked about him, or when I stared at the mantle. Instead the tears flowed unexpectedly, like when I opened a gift in his memory, and when I was packing up the suitcase to drive back home. The sadness hit me suddenly, and held quite a grip.
I'm still hoping and waiting for Caleb to visit me in a dream. I can't stand to lay in bed at night, wishing life was different. So I usually don't go to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. By that time, I forget to say a prayer. I think I need to start. :) It would be such a gift to hold him again, if only in my dreams.
I am so ready for 2011 to come. This past year has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. Kyle and I have walked through loss together, more than anyone should ever have to. The grief can get so overwhelming. Hoping that this next year brings us more joy, happiness, and blessings.

3 comments:

  1. Lauren,
    Just know that Caleb is with God and he is perfect. Remember him in everything and never forget that God sent him to you (even for a brief moment) to make you realize that you are a special person and your family is a sepcial family. Let God's comfort spread in you and Caleb will never be forgotten but celebrated. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  2. You are so strong! I am praying for a blessed 2011 for you and your family. Much love!

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  3. Hello Lauren. Rebekah gave me the link to your blog. Caleb is beautiful! I too lost a heart baby, Alex, in 2006 and sadly am familiar with the road your family is walking right now.

    My family has a charitable organization where we give Teddy bears with "heart stitches" to kids in the hospital with CHD. I would like to name some of our bears after Caleb with your permission.

    Please don't hesitate to email me at mom2angelalex@me.com

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