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Thursday, October 21, 2010

To my dear Caleb

I wrote this letter to Caleb 2 weeks after his birth.

Dear Caleb,

You would be 2 weeks old tomorrow. I would do anything to bring you back to us. 3 precious days is all we were given with you. I'll always remember everything. The way you smelled, your skin so soft, you were absolutely PERFECT. You certainly surprised us with a fast labor and birth. :) You had your hand against your cheek when they put you on my chest. I loved your cute nose.

Our world has been stopped. It feels like the sky should be black, and everything be still. All the little things that used to matter, have no importance anymore.

I never got the chance to change your diaper... or feed you. Now the tears really start to fall, as I think about all the things we won't get to share; all the things you won't get to see. Late night feedings, stroller walks, bathtime, getting you dressed, you being in your room, car rides, you growing up, you meeting your big sister Kailey. We will never experience you being at home with us, playing in the snow, being rocked to sleep, all the milestones and firsts.

The only time I got to hold you when you were alive was on the day you passed. Right before you went for surgery. I never thought it would be the last. You were hooked up to so many things. Once you were in my arms, you were sleeping. :) It felt so good to hold you.

When we were told that you were no longer with us, I completely fell apart. I wanted to scream, kick, throw up, make it not true. The shock and numbness. Holding you for hours- you still had your smell. I didn't want to lose that. You were getting colder, but you you were still just as perfect.

You are the strongest person I have ever known. Such a fighter, you fought your absolute hardest to be here. You showed me how precious and fragile life truly is- every moment of it. You changed my life forever, and you will never be forgotten. You will always be my son.


1 comment:

  1. Thank you Lauren for sharing this beautiful letter to Caleb. He is a lucky boy to have had such a strong and loving mommy. Heart hugs.