TuneList - Make your site Live

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thursday night, September 30th- our perfect angel went to Heaven

Kyle and I went down to the cafeteria, so excited to see our little fighter! Tried to eat some food, and stared at the clock until we could go back up to his floor. NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened once we stepped out of the elevator. Usually, we show the receptionist our id tags, and are buzzed through the door. That didn't happen. She said, "Oh, we've been looking for you." Then she got on the phone, and told us to take a seat... we were so confused. A lady came out to us, ...nurse? not sure... and a chaplain too. The lady sat down and said," Things aren't looking good for Caleb." Those words are forever burned into my memory. We didn't understand what was going on. He had gone through surgery just fine! Then Dr. Ryan came out. He said the exact same words, "Things aren't looking good for Caleb." Then we were told that we could go back and see him if we wished... I couldn't move. Kyle went back with the Dr. while I stayed and said a prayer with the chaplain. NOT EVEN 2 MINUTES LATER, Kyle came back to me. His face said it all. Our little Caleb was gone. Just like that. GONE from US. Our son. Our baby. Our child. Kailey's little brother. Our strong little warrior.

What did I do? What was I feeling? I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe. I was swearing. A part of my soul went with Caleb. It was taken right out of me, so suddenly. I will NEVER be the same. I felt like we were in a dream. It couldn't be real.

They brought us back to a private waiting room. "What HAPPENED?" we kept asking. They said they didn't know. They weren't able to give us a solid answer. We were told that he was brought back up to his room, and they were getting things all set up. Out of nowhere, Caleb's blood pressure dropped. And his heart stopped. They worked on him for 35 minutes.

Then we went to Caleb's room. There he was. Wrapped up in a blanket, dressed in a blue onesie. He looked PERFECT. No wires, no beeping machines. Silence. Emptiness. Numbness. We picked him up and held him. For hours. For hours we sat in his room. We held him, talked to him, touched him, smelled him. I never wanted to let go. Kyle and I painted his hands and feet, and made clay molds of his prints. We cut pieces of his hair, to keep. His smell. I will NEVER forget Caleb's sweet smell. As I sit here writing this, with tears streaming down my face, I know that I will never be the same person that I was before Caleb was brought into our lives. He, in many ways, changed me forever.


  1. I am so saddened to read about the events that transpired for you and Kyle on September 30th. The emotional rollercoaster you experienced that day, and since, is beyond belief. I think of you and your sweet Caleb often and send love and light to you for peace.

    Heart hugs,

  2. I wish I had the comforting words...but a post like this, it is hard to do is justice. My heart just aches for you constantly. Sweet Caleb left a wondrful legacy and will always be missed.

  3. There isn't anything I can say to you and your family to take the pain away. We always remember all of the our CHD babies in our prayers. I hope your able to find some peace. Caleb is being well taken care of until he's with you again. Our CHD world is an emotional roller coaster but we were chosen for a reason.

    Heart Hugs from IL
    Jenny Sondgeroth - Andrew's mom - HLHS