Caleb's Heart Story: The Magnitude of our Loss

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Magnitude of our Loss

I feel so empty without Caleb. Last night, I designed some announcements, and can't wait to order them. His life here on Earth was 3 short days, but he was our baby boy. Will ALWAYS be our son. What floors me is that some have not even acknowledged the loss of our child. People that I thought would be the first to show that they care, have yet to say a single word. Through all this, I have been awakened to who truly loves our family. And your thoughts and prayers mean the world to us. :)
This is not something we can just recover from, or get over, or forget. This pain is so deep and strong, it will always be within us. Someday, I might be able to smile and truly mean it, or laugh with a sense of joy. But right now, that's just not how it is. I know that I will never be the same person I was before sweet Caleb became a part of our family.
To be completely honest, I still have anger. Immense sadness, and yes, anger. There are just so many emotions, it gets overwhelming. To be pregnant from the end of January until September 27th, it feels so strange to not only, no longer be pregnant, but to also not have him with us. Lots of hugs and kisses to my sweet angel.

4 comments:

It's a Full HouseOctober 22, 2010 at 6:09 PM
Please take your time and grieve as much as you need too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm so sorry you feel like you've lost part of your support system. Maybe they just don't know how to act/know the right words to say. Maybe you can make that a blog post...on what you feel is an appropriate topic of conversation, what you feel is not appropriate. I feel for your family so much, Lauren. I cry every day, and always say a prayer not only to you all, but to Caleb as well.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

~2 Corinthians 1:3-5~

Love you all!
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ShellyOctober 22, 2010 at 6:47 PM
Oh Lauren,

My heart is broken for your whole family! I have to admit that I don't really know what to say when I see you.....but please know that I pray for you. And you are one of the strongest people that I know. You are a wonderful mother to Kailey. And to Caleb for those three short days you had. I can only imagine how the loss of all the precious moments with Caleb feels. He was so so beautiful. And perfect. And he'll always be a part of your family.

Shelly
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The Trobough'sOctober 22, 2010 at 7:42 PM
Lauren I think about you just about everyday! I only met you once, but enjoyed talking with you about our pregnancies. I was only a few weeks behind you and your loss hit so hard with our family! I pray for you often and weep for you!
Don't really have any words of encouragement for you....but I know the Bible is full of them :) Hang in there sweet girl!
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Cassandra BeverlyOctober 22, 2010 at 8:28 PM
Dear Lauren,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine what you are going for. Death is so complicated and unfair. But, please know even that here in Minnesota my heart is full of sadness, grief, prayers, and hope for you and your family. I am so glad you began to blog, I've been reading them for a year or so now and realize the power they have in tough times. Please keep writing because I will keep reading!

Much love and prayers.
Cassie C.
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CHD Facts

What is a congenital heart defect? A congenital heart defect is an abnormality in any part of the heart that is present at birth. Heart defects originate in the early weeks of pregnancy when the heart is forming. About 35,000 infants (1 out of every 125) are born with heart defects each year in the United States (1). The defect may be so slight that the baby appears healthy for many years after birth, or so severe that his life is in immediate danger.

Heart defects are among the most common birth defects and are the leading cause of birth defect-related deaths (2). However, advances in diagnosis and surgical treatment have led to dramatic increases in survival for children with serious heart defects. In the United States, about 1.4 million children and adults live with congenital heart defects today (3). Almost all are able to lead active, productive lives (1).

The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD.

Did You Know? Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined.

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) is a condition in which the left side of the heart is underdeveloped. Usually, the left ventricle, the left atrium, the mitral valve and the aorta are affected. It is called a syndrome because it can encompass several different variations and varying degrees of development of these parts of the heart.

Babies with HLHS do not have problems while in the womb - it is only after birth that the heart fails to work properly. This is because all babies receive oxygen from the placenta while in the womb, so blood does not need to go to the lungs. In addition, there is an opening between the pulmonary artery and the aorta, called the patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) that is present in all babies. It allows the blood to go from the right ventricle out to the body, bypassing the left side of the heart.

Ventricular Septal Defects (VSD)
It is a hole in the wall separating the two lower chambers of the heart.

Coarctation of the Aorta (COA) It is a narrowing of the major artery (the aorta) that carries blood to the body.
Coarctation of the aorta occurs in about 6 to 8 percent of all children with congenital heart disease. Boys have the defect twice as often as girls do.

Large Patent Ductus Arteriosus Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) is a condition in which a blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus fails to close normally in an infant soon after birth. (The word "patent" means open.) The condition leads to abnormal blood flow between the aorta and pulmonary artery, two major blood vessels surrounding the heart.

ASD-PFO
A patent foramen ovale (PFO) is a defect in the septum (wall) between the two upper (atrial) chambers of the heart. Specifically, the defect is an incomplete closure of the atrial septum that results in the creation of a flap or a valve-like opening in the atrial septal wall.

Arrhythmia
An arrhythmia is an abnormal heart rhythm. There are many different types of arrhythmias that range from harmless to life threatening. An arrhythmia can be regular, meaning it occurs at evenly spaced intervals, or irregular, meaning it has no pattern.

Second Degree- Heart Block
only some electrical impulses reach the ventricles. The heart may beat slowly, irregularly, or both.
On an EKG, the pattern of QRS waves doesn't follow each P wave as it normally would.

All About Caleb Thomas

*Your feet were ticklish :)

*You didn't like when the nurses changed your diaper.

*You always had your head layed to the right side.

*You made the cutest little snorting noises.

*You loved your froggie soothie buddy.

*You always tried to pull out your oxygen- and succeeded numerous times. :)

*You had the softest skin.

*Your smell is still with me- I remember it exactly.

*You had the most adorable hair... with a reddish tint.

*While in the hospital, you shared a few toots with me... I won't tell :)

*You were the strongest person I have ever met. You are my hero.

*You were PERFECT.