7 months Ago

7 months ago tonight, was the worst day of my life. Caleb left us, just as fast as he came into the world. No warning, no signs, just gone. As the months pass me by, I am clinging to his memory, his smell, and his life. I want him here, want him to know his big sister. I wish he could have seen his room, experienced a lullaby, met my family. But all I can do is keep him memory alive.

Being 20 weeks along now with his baby brother, I just know that he is excited for us. There's no doubt in my mind that Caleb is my guardian angel, my special one up above. Waiting for the day that we can be together again. Miss you sweet boy.

Exceptionally Normal

Today was a really huge day in our lives. At 19 weeks 6 days along, my anatomy scan was this morning. Everything looked great! He's measuring one day ahead. Heart rate at 161 bpm, he was moving all over, and he's 12 oz so far. ALSO!!! I have not been feeling him move very often, and it's made me a crazy wreck. Turns out, my placenta is in the front. So it's acting like a cushion, and making it harder to feel him. BIG relief. He had his hand up by his face, and his legs crossed at the ankles. :) At my last ultrasound a month ago, his position made it hard to see his spine, so that also needed to be checked off the list today. Looked good! It was reiterated that the heart looked good, but my echo was in a few hours, and that would be the final ok. I was still nervous.

Before long, we arrived at the cardio specialists office. My feelings overwhelmed me. I hadn't been there since before Caleb's birth, hadn't seen Dr. Dillon since right after he was born, and the anxiety was so high. The same woman greeted me when we walked in who had done every prenatal echo on Caleb. She is the sweetest. We hugged, and both of us filled up with tears. She said how sorry she was about Caleb, and that she was the one who came to the hospital and did his echo the night he was born. I had no idea, and I was so happy that she got to meet him.

The echo went GREAT. After long minutes of staring, pointing, and studying his little heart, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. The tears came, as the words "exceptionally normal", "4 chambers and 2 vessels", and " looks great" were said. The tech said it was the easiest one she's ever done, and that they see nothing wrong. Because of Caleb, they will be doing an echo after the babys birth. But if we hadn't run into any previous issues, it wouldn't even be a thought.

Dr. Dillon gave his condolences, and hugged me before we left. It was so touching to hear that he was sorry about our sweet boy. He seemed very excited for us. So that is the news. Perfect, wonderful, great news. :) Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts. Since my ob was out of town today, I see him next Monday afternoon to discuss things so far. Then my next ultrasound is in a month. Caleb sure is sending us a miracle.

Here are a few ultrasound pics from this morning. :)

His arm and hand is up by his face.

His little bottom and feet below.

BIG day Monday!!!

Monday is going to be a HUGE day. My 20 week anatomy scan is in the morning, and my echo is in the afternoon. Long day!!! The anatomy scan will give us final reassurance that everything looks good and healthy, and the echo will let us know for sure if the heart is healthy. The echo was scheduled for Tuesday morning, but they just called to switch...the dr won't be in Tuesday. Please keep us and little one in your prayers. So far so good, but it's hard not to have anxiety creep in. So glad that my mom will be here to come with me. I will update everyone as soon as I can after the appointments.

Sorrowful Soul

So this weekend will be Easter. When did that happen? Since Caleb's passing, time seems to be slowly creeping by, yet flying past me. It hurts to think about what it would be like, to have him here. There would be another basket to fill with goodies, more pictures to take, another milestone to celebrate.

We received an invitation in the mail a week back or so, asking us to come to Cincinnati Children's for a Service of Remembrance. I haven't been back there since we went and picked up his medical records. I mailed it back that day, we are going to go with Kailey. We can bring a memento of Caleb, such as a picture. They will say his name, and light a candle for him as well. It's going to be so heartbreaking, but I would like to go.

3 days just isn't enough. No amount of time is when you lose your child. It's so hard that I sit here with so many thoughts of what we didn't get to experience with Caleb and share. No diaper change, bottle feed, snuggles, rocking to sleep, coming home, meeting his big sister and others that cared for him.... I could go on forever. It's been close to 7 months now that he had to leave us, and those 3 days are in my mind, clear as ever.

Love you sweet boy. I know that you're watching over us.

Our Rainbow Baby

First, I want to thank everyone for all their prayers, positive thoughts, and love. It means so much! This morning was my ultrasound to look at the heart, and to see if there are 4 chambers. Nervous doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I've been feeling. And what did we see???.......................................... 4 CHAMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heartrate was at 165 bpm, everything looks good, and we now know the gender...... What's your guess?! ;) Well, Caleb and Kailey are going to have........... a baby BROTHER. It's a boy!!!

Echo will be at about 20 weeks. I will be seeing the same cardiologist that I saw with Caleb's pregnancy.

6 Long Months in Heaven

6 months in Heaven. 184 days without our baby boy. 4,416 hours have passed without seeing his face, holding him for the first and only time, and being at the hospital. Caleb is a part of our life, everyday. We talk about him, spend time in his room, and look at his pictures. How has it been half of a YEAR??? It feels like just yesterday. The pain is just as searing, the memories as vivid. I can't believe he's really gone, and I'll never see him again. Without warning, our world was turned upside down, flipped around, and shattered. I'm still trying to get it to sort of fit again. We released 3 balloons this afternoon. One for each day of his life. I got Kailey a pink balloon as well, because she remembered that we got her one to release from the funeral home 6 months back. Well, we got home and as she was playing with it, it popped. :( I almost started crying seeing her so upset. We went upstairs to Caleb's rocking chair, and I got her to smile by telling her that she could draw on each of his balloons, and let them all go.

All ready to be brought outside

Kailey's drawings on the balloons

Ready to let them go!!!

She's excited to send them to brother!

First balloon into the sky

Giving Kailey the last balloon

Up, up and away to Caleb!

Bittersweet Blessing

Well everyone, I have some BIG news to share!!! I have been waiting to say anything, and it's been a whirlwind of feelings. I am so completely anxious, worried, nervous, excited... pretty much any emotion you can think of. Yes, I am expecting. :) We found out three months after Caleb's death, and it's bittersweet for me. Dealing with his death and the constant heartache is so hard, and I will always be grieving for my sweet son.

I am 15 weeks along. My ob has been great, and I have had 4 ultrasounds by 12 weeks. And I was able to stop in yesterday, after a talk with my nurse, to get reassurance that the heartbeat is still there. She used the doppler so I could get some peace of mind. It's impossible not to constantly worry.

We have kept it pretty quiet, not many know. The 12 wk nuchal scan and bloodwork came back normal, and the heartrate was at 168 at that ultrasound. I have been feeling great these past few weeks, and staying positive the best I can. I have realized that I want and also need support, love, and prayers from those around me. Next week, Friday April 1st, is my next ultrasound. I will be 16 weeks, and it will be the first look at the heart. We will be able to know that there are 4 chambers, and if everything looks ok. Please pray for: a healthy heart, growth to be on track, and strength.

I am praying that this is our rainbow baby. I know that Caleb is watching over us, and already knows what's in store. I just need to try and sit back, take a deep breath, and take it one day at a time.

~A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.~