8 Months Ago

8 months ago today, was one of the greatest days of my life. Our sweet boy with such a sick heart, was born into the world. I remember not getting too nervous, until we reached the hospital for induction. My mom and sister Lindsay arrived that day. We went out to eat, went to the grocery store, and took final pictures of us as a family of three. The hell of it is, we still are a family of three, soon to be four this fall. But noone can see that third part of us, so they don't think it exists. But it does. Caleb is a part of our family. The love I have for Caleb is so great, and I'm reminded of him all the time.

It's so strange how grief works. I haven't been this sad since his death was new and raw. But last night and today, my heart just hurts. I find myself faking smiles for Kailey, and pulling myself out of this fog. She truly keeps me going. And when I feel this little one moving inside me, I am shown again that I am healing, and with every passing day, we get closer to his arrival. This little one will know his brother too.

I planted flowers for Caleb, red and white petunias. Still on the lookout for an angel figurine. There is a stepping stone, that says Love with all your heart, and another saying Bless this Garden.

It feels like it's been 20 years since Caleb's birth, yet like it was just yesterday. After we learned that something was wrong with his heart, months were spent trying to prepare. And within 3 days, it was all over. Sending all my hugs and kisses up to Heaven, Caleb. For you, and all the other heart babies gone too soon.

Baby Update- Ultrasound and Well Check

Today was another OB appt. and ultrasound. I'm 23w6d. It went great! Kailey was excited to color in the waiting room, and get more ultrasound pics of her brother. Baby is at 1 pound 7 ounces. Heartrate was 161 bpm. I gained another two pounds, and silly little mover was butt down today lol. It was nice to see my dr. He's so funny, and it's good to get positive feedback on how things are going. I told him about how Kailey wants to name him Tarzan. :) I got the ok from him to drive back home to MN in mid June. I go back June 13th to do my Glucose test, and then July 8th is my next ultrasound. Here's a few pictures from today!



Kailey being so good in the waiting room.

His face with his arm under his chin

His little foot

Tiresome Tears

Last night was rough. Unexpectedly, lots of tears. Before Kailey's bedtime, she crawled up into my bed with Caleb's photo album. We looked at them together, and talked about how this baby to be has a heart that's ok. I did fine with this. Later on, however, after she was fast asleep in her room, I just lost it. I looked through his pictures again, and all the emotions hit me full force. Not just a few tears, but noisy, shaking, all out bawling. I want more pictures. More memories. More time. I want Kailey to know her brother that is gone from us.

I know that as I continue to mourn, it will hit me with no warning. It's been that way for awhile. I miss you my little chunky boocious. :)

Can I keep him?

Just wanted to write a quick post, about something my 3 1/2 year old daughter said today. She is so anxious for this baby, we all are. It seems surreal that we will be welcoming a healthy baby into our family this fall. Just in time for Caleb's 1 year angelversary! Well, Kailey was giving my tummy the usual hugs and kisses this afternoon. Then she asked if brother was coming in the fall, I said "Yes, before your birthday!" Then she replied, " Can I keep him?" My eyes filled with tears. At such a young age, she has already had to see that bad things happen. She has a brother in Heaven that she never got to meet, never got to hold and kiss.I just looked at her and gave her a hug. "Yes, sweetie. You can keep him."

Mother's Day 2011

Today was actually a good day. Caleb was on my mind a lot, wishing that he was here with us. But Kailey and Kyle really made it special, and reminded me how blessed I really am. And feeling this little one moving around has helped as the days pass by. These flowers are beautiful, and Kailey was so good at keeping them a secret! :) She painted me a picture today, we went on a long walk, and put the last coat of paint on the rocking chair for the baby's room. I do wonder... would we be post glenn? What would things with Caleb be like? Would he be 7 and 1/2 months, or would we have lost him along the way? I don't know. My heart still aches for him, and I have yet to see him in a dream. Is it because I don't ask for this nightly? Because sometimes I fall asleep before saying prayers? I thought I would be visited by now, in a dream, just to see his face again, feel close once more.

Bring on the baby weight!

Today was a quick appt with my dr. Weight check, urine sample, and discussion over things so far. It went awesome! I have gained 9 pounds in the last month. LOL. :) Yay! And my Dr. is so excited about the healthy echo results. He said he's proud of how I'm doing and handling things. It was good to talk about Caleb a bit too, and to know that he's not forgotten. Next ultrasound is May 23rd, along with the glucose test.