I Love You So

My dear Caleb,

Here we are. 3 months has passed since you took your last breath. Where am I in my grief? The exact same as I was that night. Tears still flow freely, sadness envelopes me suddenly and with quite a force. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I can think of you and smile, other times, the very thought of you brings me to my knees in heartache. I go into your room, and look at all of the things that we still have for you. Your bedroom is spotless, with everything in it's place. Like it's waiting for us to bring you home any day. As tears fall down my cheeks, I can't help but almost grin. We had bought a few preemie things in the begining; we weren't sure what your weight would be with your heart defects. You rocked that, baby boy! Over 9 pounds, my perfect little chunk. :) You blew EVERYBODY away!

Your crib holds things that are dear to us. Your medical records, the stuffed animals that were with you in the CICU, all of your ultrasound pictures. Your closet is full of clothes, your pack n play set up in the corner. I'm not able to do anything with your room, your things, any of it. We are lucky enough to not need the space, and I want to keep it how it is.

I have your urn in our living room. It's where we spend most of our family time, and this way, you can be a part of it. We haven't gone as far as telling Kailey that it's you, I don't think at her age that she will understand. She does know all about you, and she talks about you. Although she never got to meet you, you are her brother, and she tells me that she misses you. She says that she wants to hold you and feed you.

I'll never forget holding you for the 1st and only time while you were alive. So many wires, my biggest worry was pulling on something by accident, and causing you pain. When you were placed in my arms, I felt such peace. You wrapped your finger around mine, and I am so grateful to have a picture of this as well. I wish I could have taken it all away, healed your little heart, kept you here. This helpless feeling is one that I've become to know too well. Sometimes it swallows me whole, and I find myself trying to get back up to the surface.

I don't know why you didn't make it past 3 days. I don't know why you had to go, why you left so soon. But I would do it a million times over. You are my son. I learned so much from you, and you left me with a greater understanding of the fragility of this life. You showed me the depth and strength of love, hope, and life.

I love you more than anything.

Love,

Mommy