Christmas without You

Our 1st Christmas since Caleb's death has come and gone. We went back home to MN, and spent a week there. How I wish he was still here. At my parents, we celebrated and remembered his sweet memory in a few ways. We decorated a tree in their backyard with clear lights, and it stayed lit. We also had his urn on the mantle, along with pictures of him and a candle. The candle burned all of Christmas Eve. Tears came and went, very randomly too. I didn't cry when we talked about him, or when I stared at the mantle. Instead the tears flowed unexpectedly, like when I opened a gift in his memory, and when I was packing up the suitcase to drive back home. The sadness hit me suddenly, and held quite a grip.

I'm still hoping and waiting for Caleb to visit me in a dream. I can't stand to lay in bed at night, wishing life was different. So I usually don't go to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. By that time, I forget to say a prayer. I think I need to start. :) It would be such a gift to hold him again, if only in my dreams.

I am so ready for 2011 to come. This past year has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. Kyle and I have walked through loss together, more than anyone should ever have to. The grief can get so overwhelming. Hoping that this next year brings us more joy, happiness, and blessings.