Christmas without You

Our 1st Christmas since Caleb's death has come and gone. We went back home to MN, and spent a week there. How I wish he was still here. At my parents, we celebrated and remembered his sweet memory in a few ways. We decorated a tree in their backyard with clear lights, and it stayed lit. We also had his urn on the mantle, along with pictures of him and a candle. The candle burned all of Christmas Eve. Tears came and went, very randomly too. I didn't cry when we talked about him, or when I stared at the mantle. Instead the tears flowed unexpectedly, like when I opened a gift in his memory, and when I was packing up the suitcase to drive back home. The sadness hit me suddenly, and held quite a grip.

I'm still hoping and waiting for Caleb to visit me in a dream. I can't stand to lay in bed at night, wishing life was different. So I usually don't go to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. By that time, I forget to say a prayer. I think I need to start. :) It would be such a gift to hold him again, if only in my dreams.

I am so ready for 2011 to come. This past year has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. Kyle and I have walked through loss together, more than anyone should ever have to. The grief can get so overwhelming. Hoping that this next year brings us more joy, happiness, and blessings.

River of Tears

This morning was my check up with my OB. I will be going back in February for a pap. It was so emotional, and more tears came than I had thought. It was so hard. To be sitting in one of the rooms, when just over 10 weeks ago, I was in there to discuss my induction, with lots of hopes and excitement. Now it was to talk about our little angel. My favorite nurse, Becki, was able to be there this morning. :) That meant a lot. The whole pregnancy with Caleb, she was always smiling and so optimistic. Such a wonderful and caring person. We spent some time talking, crying, and hugging. I gave her Caleb's announcement.

It was tough to see Dr. Banias. I cried as soon as he walked in. He said many things that were so heartfelt and caring. He told me that right after Caleb's surgery, he got a call from the surgeon, and that he could hear the smile in his voice. Caleb did so awesome in surgery, and he fought his hardest. My dr said that Caleb's life had a purpose, and that it's meaningful. It meant a lot for him to say that he can't take the pain away, but that I can call anytime. We talked about Caleb's death, because at the time of his passing, nobody knew why he had died.

I know that Caleb is always with me. Sometimes I can smell him. It's almost like he is right there again, in front of me, waiting for me to lean down and kiss his soft cheek. To rub his forehead and whisper that I love him. My heart aches so much sweet boy, and if I could have given you my heart to have, I would have done it in an instant. You will always be my son.

Last visit to CCHMC

Yesterday, we drove to Cincinnati Children's to pick up Caleb's medical records. Almost 10 weeks since his death. I was ok, until we were walking past the welcome center desk, and the animal wall. That's where we would come in and then go up to his unit. It just feels right to have his records now, to be able to look through them and see how he was doing. More closure, I guess. Looking through the autopsy part, it says that post-operative bleeding likely contributed to his death. Didn't know that... just to have more of an answer is good.

It's just so tough. I go back and forth on whether or not I wish I had been by his side when his blood pressure dropped so suddenly. I can't go back. And I still agree with the fact that we gave the doctors a litle more time to get him situated back in his room, before we went up. We knew they were taking the best care of him, and were willing to make sure that we weren't in the way. Caleb did so well during the surgery, and I will be forever proud. He was so perfect, and I just think to myself and smile, knowing that each day that passes, brings me closer to seeing his sweet face again.

Our Genetic Testing Conclusion

Well, Genetics called me this afternoon. Right as we were pulling into the parking lot of Cincinnati Children's, actually. Kind of ironic. We learned that my chromosomes are normal. Besides the small duplication, everything is fine, and I'm not affected by it. They do not believe that the duplication that Caleb also had, has anything to do with his heart defects. That is a good thing. :) They don't see any reason, genetically, for why it happened. We should be reassured they said. I have mixed feelings right now, but it IS good. There is nothing they found that is saying that we would have another heart baby in the future.

To my sweet boy

What We Have Instead

With Christmas on its way, my mind is filled with thoughts of Caleb. I have always loved holidays. They have forever been such a great time, and an excuse to go crazy with decorations. :) But it's only been 10 weeks since he left us, and this pain is overwhelming. I can put on a happy face, smile, and even laugh. But it's not the same. Our son isn't here with us. No presents to buy for him, outfit to search for, pictures to take. No kisses or snuggles. Instead, we are left with a few precious memories. A room that is ready to welcome him, holds his urn instead. This first Christmas without him will be quite the challenge.

But see, I don't want him to be forgotten. That is my biggest fear. Caleb was here, he was alive, he is my son. Mention his name, talk about him, include him day to day. Very few had the chance to meet him, and how I wish that all of my loved ones could have had that opportunity. Lots of hugs and kisses to my sweet boy.